Discarding Old Habits through Emotional Release
by
Ian Watson
How habits operate
Think about some habit you have or some behaviour that
keeps repeating itself, that you don’t like. Next time it
shows up, if you pay close attention you will notice that
something inside of you literally drives
you to follow the
habit-impulse, against both your will and your better
judgment. That something is a feeling-state
(emotion) that
you are attempting to avoid. In fact, most habits and
unwanted behaviours are simply the things we do in order
to temporarily distract ourselves from a feeling that we
don’t like. The problem, of course, is that the feeling
doesn’t go away. On the contrary, it returns again and
again, triggering the same habitual response ad
infinitum.
Why
will power doesn’t work
There are two common ways in which we try to ‘change our
habits’. The first is the behavioural
approach, in
which we try to modify the habit in some way (chew gum
instead of smoking) or to substitute a new behaviour in
place of the old one (go jogging instead of eating). The
second is the psychological
approach, in
which we try to modify the unconscious thought pattern
that underlies the habit, through the use of hypnosis,
NLP or positive affirmations. The problem with these
approaches is that unless the feeling-state that drives
the habit is addressed as well, it will continue to
assert itself and will quickly bring about a return of
the old habit or, in some cases, the establishment of a
new one.
How
emotional release works
The third way of approaching unwanted habits is by far
the simplest and most effective method, and yet it is
usually the last thing that it occurs to us to consider.
This is the emotional
release approach, in which we aim to
accept and release the feeling-state as and when it
arises, so that it completes itself and no longer needs
to be avoided by some form of self-distraction. This
method is based on a simple premise of self-healing which
I have found to be universally applicable:
What we resist, persists.
What we accept, dissolves.
I’ll explain how this principle works in relation to
feeling states.
Developing
emotional awareness
Emotions are really just feeling-sensations which carry a
charge of energy as they come rising up through the body.
As children, we learn from our parents, teachers and our
own experience that certain feelings are ‘good’ and
others are ‘bad’. The feelings we judge as being
undesirable tend to get repressed more and more over
time, until finally we have a backlog of unfelt emotions
of a particular type.
You will notice that I used the word ‘unfelt’ rather than
‘unexpressed’. Many of us imagine that feelings need to
be either repressed, expressed or ‘got rid of’ in some
way or other. They don’t. What they require is simply to
be felt as sensations in the body (which is all they
are), and released (i.e. let go of). This is exactly what
happens naturally if we don’t interfere with the process
- a feeling comes up, it passes through the body, and the
associated energy charge is released all by itself. The
result is that we feel at ease, relaxed and comfortable.
If, however, a feeling arises and we either push it away,
hold onto it, try to contain it or distract ourselves
from feeling it, then the energy charge remains within us
and builds up like a pressure cooker. Sooner or later
(usually sooner), the body in its wisdom will attempt to
release the pressure by bringing up the feeling once
again, and the cycle continues.
The power of acceptance
Once you have recognized that all emotions are just
feeling-sensations passing through the body, you will
realize that they are neither good nor bad. As far as the
body is concerned, feelings are entirely neutral and it
is only in our mind that we have decided to accept some
feelings and reject others. Unfortunately, the very
feelings that we reject and try to push away are exactly
the ones we get to experience over and over again. How
come? Because what we resist, persists! If we are willing
to temporarily suspend our idea of what we should and
should not be feeling, and just allow ourselves to
experience what is actually there in the body, in a few
moments even the strongest emotions can be released. As
the emotional charge is dissipated, so the habits and
behaviours that we have been generating to avoid that
feeling will literally fall away by themselves. Relaxing,
accepting and releasing can achieve in a short time what
months or even years of striving and efforting have
failed to bring about.
Some Frequently Asked Questions
Doesn’t it hurt to let myself feel those negative
emotions?
Not
at all. Pain is always intensified when we resist
something, and relieved when we accept it. All feelings
lead towards inner peace and greater freedom when we
allow them to be felt and released. Conversely, when we
hold on to feelings or attempt to avoid them, we
experience inner tension and compulsive behaviours.
Isn’t
it better to just shout and scream or have a good cry and
then forget about it?
Sometimes we may need to do
that, but on most occasions this is not as effective as
accepting and releasing for two reasons. The first is
that expressing a feeling is not the same as experiencing
it. Oftentimes when we express our emotions, we do so to
let other people know that we’re upset. This is not
necessarily a bad thing, but it is not always effective
in releasing the ‘charge’ that the emotion carries. The
second reason is that when we have a backlog of unfelt
emotion, we tend to over-react when our feelings get
triggered, and our emotional reactions are out of
proportion to the event that triggered them. Even worse,
we end up dumping our feelings on the unfortunate person
who triggered them, with the result that they feel hurt
and under attack, and we feel distressed at how we have
behaved. One of the best things about accepting and
releasing emotions is that no additional suffering is
created either for ourselves or the people around us.
If
someone has treated me badly, aren’t I entitled to feel
hurt and resentful?
Of
course! But how will you know when you have done enough
hurting and resenting? The problem is not that we feel
these emotions in the first place, but that we choose to
hold on to them in our bodies way beyond the time of the
original event. This creates discomfort and tension for
us and often has a negative impact on our relationships
with other people over time. I think it was Nelson
Mandela who said that holding a grudge against someone
was like drinking poison and then waiting for the other
person to die!
If
I release all of my anger, does that mean I will never
get angry again?
No.
Releasing increases
your personal
freedom, it doesn’t restrict it. There are occasions when
anger may be the most appropriate emotional response, and
there is every likelihood that you will feel it from time
to time. However, releasing your backlog
of anger is a
good idea, because these old, residual feelings are
inappropriate to your life right now. Clearing out the
backlog enables you to have a present-time, authentic
feeling-response to your daily life.
© Ian Watson 2005